Tesla Coils? Never Heard of Them, Says Government, While Citizens Use Them to Toast Bread and Power Skates

By Volt Enslow, Conspiracy Editor, Future News 2225

NEW STATIC CITY — Despite clear, audible humming from nearly every household appliance, and the occasional harmless indoor lightning arc during breakfast, the Federal Office of Energy Anomalies continues to insist that “Tesla coils are not in active civilian use.”

This would come as a surprise to most citizens, 89% of whom use compact Tesla coils daily—whether to charge wrist terminals wirelessly, repel low-orbit spam drones, or flash-fry synthetic crumpets with a satisfying crackle. In fact, according to the 2224 Home Energy Census, the average apartment contains 3.6 miniature Tesla emitters, often embedded invisibly in countertop units, hover boots, and municipal pigeons.

Yet officials maintain that these coils are “purely theoretical.”

“There is no such thing as a Tesla coil,” said Acting Secretary of Current Affairs Lin Brite, standing in front of a visible 12-foot arcing plasma fountain during a press briefing. “Any reports to the contrary are the result of magnetic hallucination, induced mass suggestion, or illegal vintage YouTube.”

When asked to comment on the federally distributed Tesla-Powered Comm Mugs™—which levitate slightly when heating caffeine pods—Brite blinked twice and said, “That’s just geothermal Wi-Fi.”

A Brief History of “Non-Use”

Once relegated to science fair pyrotechnics and fringe conspiracy forums, Tesla coils saw an unexpected resurgence during the Great Plug Rebellion of 2189, when citizens declared war on traditional charging cables after decades of tangled frustration. The rebellion's rallying cry—“No More Cords, Only Arcs”—sparked a nationwide retrofit of consumer tech with silent, open-field energy coils.

Still, the government’s denial has grown only more entrenched.

“They fear the coil,” whispered Dr. Emory Kurn, a self-described Tesla Whisperer and former professor of Electromagnetic Liberation Studies at the now-defunct University of Free Circuitry. “Not because it’s dangerous, but because it works too well. You can’t meter the sky.”

According to Kurn, the denial isn’t about safety—it’s about control.

“They can’t track Tesla current. It’s ambient. It’s everywhere. It’s freedom in lightning form. And if there’s one thing bureaucrats hate more than paperwork, it’s invisible electricity.”

The Evidence is Everywhere

From teenagers zipping through alleyways on arc-skates, to smart mirrors powered by ambient kitchen fields, the signature snap-hum-pop of Tesla technology is as normal today as the smell of ozone in the morning. Even public transportation is fueled by civic Tesla hubs—disguised, conveniently, as “decorative weather pylons.”

But efforts to acknowledge this reality are consistently met with denial, redaction, or—more commonly—radio silence.

“I tried to bring it up to my regional energy council,” said Rosa Lin, a midtown resident and amateur Tesla tinker. “They redirected me to the Fictional Technologies Office, where a chatbot told me to ‘Seek grounding therapy.’”

Even the corporate sector plays along. PowerGrid Incorporated’s annual report lists “invisible current fluctuation mitigation” as its top expense—a phrase widely interpreted as code for Tesla field maintenance.

The Real Question: Why Lie?

Experts suggest the government’s refusal to acknowledge the coils stems from a deep, inherited fear—dating back to the early 21st century, when Nikola Tesla was incorrectly assumed to be “just a guy who liked lightning.”

“Admitting the coil is real means admitting the rest of his work might be too,” said Kurn, eyes twitching gently. “Which means free power. Which means economic collapse. Which means revolution. It starts with toast. It ends with thunder.”

In the meantime, the public will continue pretending not to see the faint blue glow under their smart couches, or the fact that their toaster levitates half an inch before it crisps a bagel.

Because officially, Tesla coils do not exist. Unofficially, they’re in your shoes.

A Shocking Morning Routine  Officials continue to deny the existence of such technology, citing “coincidental static.”