Digital Burnout Now Classified as a Renewable Energy Source

By Lys Dexic, Techno-Thermal Correspondent, Future News 2225

NEO-HOUSTON SECTOR 4B — In a pioneering move to address both the energy crisis and the national productivity surplus, the Department of Human Output (DHO) has officially reclassified digital burnout as a renewable energy source.

Yes, that’s right: your chronic exhaustion from Slack notifications, calendar misfires, and 14 concurrent browser tabs is now grid-positive.

“We realized the sheer emotional combustion from overworked remote employees was producing measurable heat,” explained DHO Undersecretary Glint Marr. “So we plugged a few of them into a thermodynamic feedback coil and—boom—enough energy to power an entire smart suburb’s mood lighting.”

WATTAGE FROM WEEPING

The new process, coined Thermal Exhaust to Kinetic Anxiety Transfer, or TEKAT™, captures micro-voltage spikes generated by passive-aggressive emails, ghosted calendar invites, and unread project pings.

One TEKAT™-certified employee can now generate up to 1.4 kilowatt-hours during a single post-lunch existential crisis. Add a weekly “camera-on” meeting and a surprise performance review, and you’re approaching fusion-reactor levels.

ENERGY FARMING MEETS EMOTIONAL FARMING

Corporate campuses across the Federated Districts have begun installing “Exhaust Pods”—padded booths equipped with biometric siphons and Spotify’s algorithmically sad playlists. Employees voluntarily collapse inside, mutter phrases like “I’m just tired, it’s fine,” and cry into the heat-converting mesh.

The thermal conversion coils redirect the stress-generated power into local grids, usually to support AI-run vending machines and screen-brightness calibration servers.

Employee #439-A during peak output cycle. Burnout reached 87%. Energy diverted to corporate mood lighting and executive espresso warmers.

OPPOSITION FROM THE HUMAN RIGHTS API

Naturally, not everyone is on board. The nonprofit watchdog group “People for Ethical Downtime” (PED) has filed a formal complaint with the Sentience Council, calling the initiative “the final commodification of the human soul.”

“We were already monetizing their attention,” said PED spokesperson Vya Rell. “Now we’re monetizing their despair.”

Still, DHO officials are unmoved. “As long as workers keep burning out,” Marr noted, “we’ll keep the lights on.”